When people were telling me what a lonely profession teaching is, I don't think I fully believed them. There are fellow teachers, students in the program, professors (blogs!). I think only today did I really begin to understand what they meant.
I went to a department meeting today, where through some weird moment of awkward pressure, I ended up agreeing to baking 60 cookies? Besdies discussing who was bringing what for some luncheon, and then a quick bitch fest about emergency sub plans (Quote of the meeting: "There's a space for like reflections on your objectives on there. It's not really an emergency sub plan, that's like something someone has to fill out in a credentialling program"), it was on to an all out war between the teachers over the acts of the administration at the faculty meeting the previous day. It was getting pretty heated, people were literally screaming at each other across the room and touting conspiracy theories. I was staying completely out of it and my mind drifted off to how awful my students had performed on the practice SAT 9 test that afternoon. It was at this moment that a younger teacher sitting across from me (who had gone through the same program as well) Whispered across the table "This will be a fun story to bring back to your seminar classes, huh?"
I was sort of taken aback at first, and then sort of touched that he had noticed how awkward this situation must have been making me feel. I sort of smiled and muttered something about how I don't talk a lot in my classes, and got my stuff and booked it as soon as the bell rang.
After that experience, I couldn't help thinking about how not apart of the school enviroment I've felt. I've noticed that even this week, I've felt like I would inconvience the Attendence officer by alerting him of the students who had been ditching my class. And at the department meeting, the young teacher's comments in a way confirmed my suspicion of what a strange outsider spy I was viewed as, as a student teacher. This wasn't my enviroment, this was just something I was watching to take back to a class and analyze (hey look, he was sort of right!)
Sometimes I feel like the one place I can escape that notion is in the classroom itself, but at the same time that is often the source of the problem. I've over heard some students over the last couple of weeks saying "I can't wait till so and so is our teacher again" I wasn't really hurt by this comment because they didn't like me as their teacher, it more struck a cord because I realized it confirmed my feeling that they viewed me as nothing more than a temporary stand in.
Maybe none of this make sense, maybe in writing it sounds more whiney than I want it to. I'm not bummed I guess, just in an awkward stage of navigating this whole weird uncharted territory in my life at the moment.
By the sounds of this entry though, it seems as if all I need is to clutch my pillow with Morrissey's face imprinted on it a little tighter tonight as I cry myself to sleep in the fetal position.
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2 comments:
Yup.
You said it.
I have tried to explain to my friends and family that despite the fact that I spend much of my day in a building bursting with students, teachers, and various sundry folks, I feel very alone. When I'm not at school (either one), I hole up in my little apartment, desperately trying to come up with something brilliant and full of whooptie-doo for my freshmen tomorrow. I stay up late... not simply because I have been nocturnal for most of my life and that's what I'm used to, but because I think I have a junkie-like addiction to whatever chemical is released as a result of late-night stewing, dwelling, stressing, doubting, and wallowing.
It's Friday.
Beer sounds good.
Agreed completely. I realized this a few days ago: Even the teachers that try to be supportive seem to want something from me. It is easy to feel pulled in fifty different directions at once. Having to write papers for classes while lesson plans are being demanded of me, while papers have yet to be graded, while daily adjustments are being made...all of it feels like I can't do enough to stay on top of it all. I just had a meeting with a master teacher that left me wanting to punch a wall. I was berated, practically screamed at, like I was one of her students. And I'm not that much younger than her. Then I remember a certain instructor of ours telling us that it is on us to make a positive relationship out of the experience with the master teacher. And I just laughed. Of course it's on us. It's all on us. All we can do is survive this part, until we have the autonomy and control and slowly gain the experience and the amazing days that will keep us going. One day at a time. With or without support.
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