On the eve of an unprecedented whole week off of the high school, this is my horoscope:
Relief is arriving in the form of temporary freedom. Of course, you may never feel as free as you ultimately wish, but at least now some of the overbearing restrictions are lifting. Don't misuse this newfound gift by frittering your time away. If you can stay as focused as you were when the pressure was on, you'll accomplish more than you thought possible.
Creepy.
I'm excited for a week off. Is that wrong? I think deep down inside me somewhere, I'm really loving this whole thing. It's just being buried in a mass of my own neurosis. I seriously think I am developing an anxeity disorder. I've been watching insane amounts of TV just to quiet the ever faster sound of nagging voices in my head, questioning the existential purpose of it all. Non-reccomended reading at this stage of life: The Bell Jar
Ok, constructive topic: How does one achieve respect in the classroom? I hate to admit it, but I really don't think I have it in one of my classes, and it has been affecting everything lately. My master teacher has this sheet by his desk that has mine and other teachers first names on it, and a group of them were by the desk and saw my name, and now they have all given up the whole "Ms. So and so" thing and call me by my first name. When I asked them to stop they asked why they had to, seeing as how I "am barely older than they are and you only call someone Ms. if they are an adult."
In ways I can't blame them. As professional as I try and be most times in the classroom, I really don't see myself as an adult, and so I guess I can't really expect them to see or treat me as one. Maybe the trick is more self-confidence.
Anyone got a quick fix for faking that?
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Monday, February 12, 2007
Debbie Downer
In case anyone was wondering, I heard that becoming a personal assistant is very profitable. Got to keep the options open.
I feel like a fraud.
I feel like a fraud.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Wait..what happened?
It's weird now that in idle times when I am doing something mundane like drying my hair, thoughts of successes or failures with students in the past week, or lesson plan ideas creep into my mind. So weird, so very very strange.
Anyway, as I was doing just that tonight, my mind wandered to a student in my class that I have seen a transformation with in the last week. So first the back story:
My master teacher for this group was, how shall we say, quite permissive last semester. The students in that class all passed, most with As, but for very little work or instruction. There was a bit of resistance to me from them for this reason. I was making them read and write and work (I know, I'm a monster). One student in paticular REALLY did not take well to this, and slowly but surely, week by week, I found that he was slipping away. He showed up, stayed conscious, but that was about it. This was completely out of character for him. I was planning to talk to him, what to say and when, when all of a sudden he stopped showing up to my class. He ditched for a solid three days right after taking a test on the book.
He had aced it. He was not only spot on with his answers, but thoughtful with them. This kid had all the tools to succeed, and yet somehow I was failing him. When he came back, I was planning to talk to him after class, but in the meantime I was passing out grades. When I put the test on his desk, face down, I saw him out of the corner of my eye roll his eyes. When he picked up the test and his mind processed the fat A+ on the page, his entire demeanor changed. I have never seen anything like it. He started showing it off to his friends, and for the rest of the period he was completely engaged, participating readily and thoughtfully.
After class, he came up to me inquiring where this had put his grade in the class. I gave him the grade, pointing to all the work he had blown off beforehand bringing his average down. He inquired what he could do to make it up, and I worked with him on that. As our little confrence was reaching it's close, I said "You have what it takes to be successful in this class. You just have to show up and show me more of what I saw today." He nodded really seriously, and then said "Thanks for your help" and was off.
I can't really explain even now what happened there. The only way I can really account for it, is that sometimes we need those little proofs of success to validate the point of it all. I think this student was so afraid of failing before he even tried, that he just withdrew completely. That test then came along, giving just a little bit of validation and the encouragement to press on. I'm sure that there is even more to it than that, so if anyone has any insights, please share.
I just couldn't help but be reminded of this time in the fifth grade when I had to tag along with my mom to my brothers back to school night. A large group of adults, including his third grade teacher were talking, and for some reason someone ended up asking me "what do you want to be when you grow up?"
I excitedly recited "A supreme court justice!" (I was 10, why did I even know what that was?) I remember all the adults laughing and the third grade teacher saying
"Oh dear, you've probably already done something in your life to screw up your chances of that"
I never ever want to be a person that makes someone else feel that way.
Anyway, as I was doing just that tonight, my mind wandered to a student in my class that I have seen a transformation with in the last week. So first the back story:
My master teacher for this group was, how shall we say, quite permissive last semester. The students in that class all passed, most with As, but for very little work or instruction. There was a bit of resistance to me from them for this reason. I was making them read and write and work (I know, I'm a monster). One student in paticular REALLY did not take well to this, and slowly but surely, week by week, I found that he was slipping away. He showed up, stayed conscious, but that was about it. This was completely out of character for him. I was planning to talk to him, what to say and when, when all of a sudden he stopped showing up to my class. He ditched for a solid three days right after taking a test on the book.
He had aced it. He was not only spot on with his answers, but thoughtful with them. This kid had all the tools to succeed, and yet somehow I was failing him. When he came back, I was planning to talk to him after class, but in the meantime I was passing out grades. When I put the test on his desk, face down, I saw him out of the corner of my eye roll his eyes. When he picked up the test and his mind processed the fat A+ on the page, his entire demeanor changed. I have never seen anything like it. He started showing it off to his friends, and for the rest of the period he was completely engaged, participating readily and thoughtfully.
After class, he came up to me inquiring where this had put his grade in the class. I gave him the grade, pointing to all the work he had blown off beforehand bringing his average down. He inquired what he could do to make it up, and I worked with him on that. As our little confrence was reaching it's close, I said "You have what it takes to be successful in this class. You just have to show up and show me more of what I saw today." He nodded really seriously, and then said "Thanks for your help" and was off.
I can't really explain even now what happened there. The only way I can really account for it, is that sometimes we need those little proofs of success to validate the point of it all. I think this student was so afraid of failing before he even tried, that he just withdrew completely. That test then came along, giving just a little bit of validation and the encouragement to press on. I'm sure that there is even more to it than that, so if anyone has any insights, please share.
I just couldn't help but be reminded of this time in the fifth grade when I had to tag along with my mom to my brothers back to school night. A large group of adults, including his third grade teacher were talking, and for some reason someone ended up asking me "what do you want to be when you grow up?"
I excitedly recited "A supreme court justice!" (I was 10, why did I even know what that was?) I remember all the adults laughing and the third grade teacher saying
"Oh dear, you've probably already done something in your life to screw up your chances of that"
I never ever want to be a person that makes someone else feel that way.
Thursday, February 8, 2007
Finding A Place
When people were telling me what a lonely profession teaching is, I don't think I fully believed them. There are fellow teachers, students in the program, professors (blogs!). I think only today did I really begin to understand what they meant.
I went to a department meeting today, where through some weird moment of awkward pressure, I ended up agreeing to baking 60 cookies? Besdies discussing who was bringing what for some luncheon, and then a quick bitch fest about emergency sub plans (Quote of the meeting: "There's a space for like reflections on your objectives on there. It's not really an emergency sub plan, that's like something someone has to fill out in a credentialling program"), it was on to an all out war between the teachers over the acts of the administration at the faculty meeting the previous day. It was getting pretty heated, people were literally screaming at each other across the room and touting conspiracy theories. I was staying completely out of it and my mind drifted off to how awful my students had performed on the practice SAT 9 test that afternoon. It was at this moment that a younger teacher sitting across from me (who had gone through the same program as well) Whispered across the table "This will be a fun story to bring back to your seminar classes, huh?"
I was sort of taken aback at first, and then sort of touched that he had noticed how awkward this situation must have been making me feel. I sort of smiled and muttered something about how I don't talk a lot in my classes, and got my stuff and booked it as soon as the bell rang.
After that experience, I couldn't help thinking about how not apart of the school enviroment I've felt. I've noticed that even this week, I've felt like I would inconvience the Attendence officer by alerting him of the students who had been ditching my class. And at the department meeting, the young teacher's comments in a way confirmed my suspicion of what a strange outsider spy I was viewed as, as a student teacher. This wasn't my enviroment, this was just something I was watching to take back to a class and analyze (hey look, he was sort of right!)
Sometimes I feel like the one place I can escape that notion is in the classroom itself, but at the same time that is often the source of the problem. I've over heard some students over the last couple of weeks saying "I can't wait till so and so is our teacher again" I wasn't really hurt by this comment because they didn't like me as their teacher, it more struck a cord because I realized it confirmed my feeling that they viewed me as nothing more than a temporary stand in.
Maybe none of this make sense, maybe in writing it sounds more whiney than I want it to. I'm not bummed I guess, just in an awkward stage of navigating this whole weird uncharted territory in my life at the moment.
By the sounds of this entry though, it seems as if all I need is to clutch my pillow with Morrissey's face imprinted on it a little tighter tonight as I cry myself to sleep in the fetal position.
I went to a department meeting today, where through some weird moment of awkward pressure, I ended up agreeing to baking 60 cookies? Besdies discussing who was bringing what for some luncheon, and then a quick bitch fest about emergency sub plans (Quote of the meeting: "There's a space for like reflections on your objectives on there. It's not really an emergency sub plan, that's like something someone has to fill out in a credentialling program"), it was on to an all out war between the teachers over the acts of the administration at the faculty meeting the previous day. It was getting pretty heated, people were literally screaming at each other across the room and touting conspiracy theories. I was staying completely out of it and my mind drifted off to how awful my students had performed on the practice SAT 9 test that afternoon. It was at this moment that a younger teacher sitting across from me (who had gone through the same program as well) Whispered across the table "This will be a fun story to bring back to your seminar classes, huh?"
I was sort of taken aback at first, and then sort of touched that he had noticed how awkward this situation must have been making me feel. I sort of smiled and muttered something about how I don't talk a lot in my classes, and got my stuff and booked it as soon as the bell rang.
After that experience, I couldn't help thinking about how not apart of the school enviroment I've felt. I've noticed that even this week, I've felt like I would inconvience the Attendence officer by alerting him of the students who had been ditching my class. And at the department meeting, the young teacher's comments in a way confirmed my suspicion of what a strange outsider spy I was viewed as, as a student teacher. This wasn't my enviroment, this was just something I was watching to take back to a class and analyze (hey look, he was sort of right!)
Sometimes I feel like the one place I can escape that notion is in the classroom itself, but at the same time that is often the source of the problem. I've over heard some students over the last couple of weeks saying "I can't wait till so and so is our teacher again" I wasn't really hurt by this comment because they didn't like me as their teacher, it more struck a cord because I realized it confirmed my feeling that they viewed me as nothing more than a temporary stand in.
Maybe none of this make sense, maybe in writing it sounds more whiney than I want it to. I'm not bummed I guess, just in an awkward stage of navigating this whole weird uncharted territory in my life at the moment.
By the sounds of this entry though, it seems as if all I need is to clutch my pillow with Morrissey's face imprinted on it a little tighter tonight as I cry myself to sleep in the fetal position.
Thursday, February 1, 2007
Everyone knows that when you fall off the horse, you have to get back up and shoot it.
So after a rather challenging day on Wednesday, I was (fortunately or unfortunately) back in the classroom this morning, ready to try again.
Considering how HARD everything was with my Juniors at first, it still amazes me that everything is going so well in there. I had to be so firm with them when they had first started spiraling out of control, which was completely out of character and comfort levels for me at first. Once order was maintained, I started to find myself bored. So the comments started slipping. Something simple like "Ok, a new class rule. No one makes fun of Mark's stupid haircut" Nothing dripping with wit or genius, but enough to make everyone laugh good naturedly and strangely, seemingly more attentive when I began my next direction. I'm still scared that it is going to come back around to haunt me with them later, but I really can't help it most the time.
Going back to my sweet little freshman was a sobering experience. As I started class:
"So yesterday we didn't get as far as I would of liked because I was a little..."
"Grouchy?" many of them cut me off. I couldn't help but smile. Leave it to a room full of 14 year olds to spell out what I had planned to say in euphemism.
Everything after that went really well, and they were being generally attentive. Again, the boredom sunk in. Finally one of the more sarcastically inclined students said something that got the whole class, including me, busting up. Another kid tacked on another quip, and for a solid three minutes I had my face in a book, out of breathe with tears rolling down my face. The class was nearly uncontrollable after that. I didn't get angry or too forceful in trying to get them back on track, since it had been almost entirely my fault. Afterall they got their work done, but perhaps not at the level of order that one would expect in an ideal situation? Even though they were, very uhh...energetic after our uncontrolable laughing fit, I have not walked out of a day of teaching so far that I have felt better about.
There has got to be a balance out there, I am sure of it. It can't just be all serious, and there has to be a way to still control it. But will it even be as good that way? Doesn't some part of this job have to remain organic?
File that with the other 2997439 things I won't be good at till I gain experience.
Considering how HARD everything was with my Juniors at first, it still amazes me that everything is going so well in there. I had to be so firm with them when they had first started spiraling out of control, which was completely out of character and comfort levels for me at first. Once order was maintained, I started to find myself bored. So the comments started slipping. Something simple like "Ok, a new class rule. No one makes fun of Mark's stupid haircut" Nothing dripping with wit or genius, but enough to make everyone laugh good naturedly and strangely, seemingly more attentive when I began my next direction. I'm still scared that it is going to come back around to haunt me with them later, but I really can't help it most the time.
Going back to my sweet little freshman was a sobering experience. As I started class:
"So yesterday we didn't get as far as I would of liked because I was a little..."
"Grouchy?" many of them cut me off. I couldn't help but smile. Leave it to a room full of 14 year olds to spell out what I had planned to say in euphemism.
Everything after that went really well, and they were being generally attentive. Again, the boredom sunk in. Finally one of the more sarcastically inclined students said something that got the whole class, including me, busting up. Another kid tacked on another quip, and for a solid three minutes I had my face in a book, out of breathe with tears rolling down my face. The class was nearly uncontrollable after that. I didn't get angry or too forceful in trying to get them back on track, since it had been almost entirely my fault. Afterall they got their work done, but perhaps not at the level of order that one would expect in an ideal situation? Even though they were, very uhh...energetic after our uncontrolable laughing fit, I have not walked out of a day of teaching so far that I have felt better about.
There has got to be a balance out there, I am sure of it. It can't just be all serious, and there has to be a way to still control it. But will it even be as good that way? Doesn't some part of this job have to remain organic?
File that with the other 2997439 things I won't be good at till I gain experience.
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